Soul Searching

     I do a great deal of soul searching in my dreams. For those of you who don't know, soul searching is the deep or critical examination of one's motives, actions, beliefs, etc. There are two main reasons I do this. 

The first reason is I strongly believe that everyone should know what they want out of life. How can anyone be happy if they don't even know what they want? Without some type of rubric to measure your happiness, you'll just live life running in circles, never achieving anything that makes you satisfied. 

The second is I am what they call a lucid dreamer. I have the ability to recognize that I am dreaming and consciously make decisions that influence the dream. Unlike some people, I am unable to manipulate the environment in which the dream takes place. It may seem odd, but I prefer not being in control of everything in my dream. When I'm only able to make my own decisions, it gives the dream a very profound effect. It makes the dream real to me. Without getting too in depth, here is why I prefer to do my soul searching in my dreams. I can experience things in my dreams that would otherwise be impossible to experience and carry on with my normal life. I can do things I'm normally scared to do. I can risk my life. I can die in a dream and wake up filled with the overwhelming emotions provoked by what didn't just happen. 
Using lucid dreaming, I am able to find out what truly matters to me in life. I know how much material possessions do and don't mean to me. I know how I want my home to feel in 20 years. I know who I'm scared of losing. I've gained a deeper understand of my conscious and subconscious thoughts and desires.

     Too many people are wandering aimlessly through life. My generation is lost. We're stuck between instant everything and endless nothing. I know hundreds of people who would have a much better life if they only had a purpose. And those are only the ones I've personally met. How many people do you know that have no idea what they want from life? How many people do you know that drink to forget their problems? How many people do you know that smoke to escape their life? How many people do you know that eat away their emotions? How many people do you know that are prescribed a pill to fix what's wrong? I'm surround by everything going wrong. No one seems to know what to do with their life. No one is satisfied. Everyone is scrambling to get a little bit of peace in their life. Forget living pay check to pay check. That means nothing compared to what this generation is going through. We are living brief moment of happiness to brief moment of happiness. People will do anything that gives them a tiny glimmer of hope to hold them down until they can find the next speck of satisfaction that comes along.

     Let's move on with our lives. Let's start loving more and stop hating for reasons we made up. Let's start building each other up instead of tearing each other down for a little cheap entertainment. Let's start helping each other find the way instead of judging strangers for being lost and having issues that we refuse to believe resemble our own.
     This planet has seen over 100 billion humans, 7 billion of which are still living. I am far from even the same class of intelligence of the smartest who have ever lived. Who am I to say what is or isn't important in the world? I could be halfway through my life right now, and I'm only just beginning to understand what it truly means to live.

I'd love to hear from anyone who read this far. Feel free to contact me with any questions and/or feedback of any kind. I'm easy to reach.


Twitter: https://twitter.com/ASIAN_SENSATl0N
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Secrecy and Transparency

Secrets are a hazardous detour to a sheep. To a sheep, secrets are a symbol of trust and loyalty. However, I am no sheep. I am a wolf. And to wolves, secrets are a cowardly medium that breeds deceit and betrayal. The very nature of such a thing encumbers me with an overwhelming sensation that livid and nauseous barely even begin to describe.

     Heed my warnings. Don't trust anyone who asks you a secret. When someone asks for you to keep a secret, it has two possible meanings. Either they are lying to you, or they want you to lie to other people. Both of which describe someone I despise with every ounce of my being. Keep in mind that if someone has a secret with you, they most likely have a secret with someone else. Doesn't that thought alone inspire you in any way? For me, it provokes action. I remove said person from my life, or confront them at the very least.

    Many people believe that being transparent makes you weak and vulnerable, but oh my how those people are so very wrong. It does quite the contrary. It makes you stronger. It makes you insusceptible to rumors and extortion of any kind. You no longer fear someone's opinion of you changing when they find something out because everything about you is already known. It is truly liberating to not have to restrict yourself in any way. There's no lying and cheating when you are completely open and honest about everything. It weeds out real friends from fake ones. Being completely transparent attracts real people.

     I might be the only person who feel this way, but I would rather be hated by every person who has ever talked to me than to be surrounded by a bunch of fake friends. It just seems like a waste of time to hide things and worry about feelings or opinions. You only get one life, and its span is extremely limited. Do you really want to spend it pretending to be something you're not? Do you really want your life to be a lie? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe everyone should be two faced and fake their way through life. I think I'm going in the right direction with this transparency though. I always hear negative things about being a liar, but I've never heard anyone say that I'm too honest.

But what do I know? I'm just another teenager who's not sure of which side of the thin between being naive and wise that I stand on. It could be that I've been through so much that I matured and developed faster than my peers, or I'm just young and dumb for thinking I'm experienced in any way. Try being as brutally honest and open as I am. Or continue to abide by the social politics like the vast majority. It's your choice to be a wolf or remain a sheep. To each his own I guess.

I'd love to hear from anyone who read this far. Feel free to contact me with any questions and/or feedback of any kind. I'm easy to reach.


Twitter: https://twitter.com/ASIAN_SENSATl0N
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/donovan.j.wilson
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Email: dwilsonwest@gmail.com

A New Beginning (Entry 3)

     First and foremost, happy new year! Today is the beginning of another chapter of our lives. Hopefully this year will be the best yet. I don't have any definitive or concrete resolutions. My only resolution is to be better than I was yesterday, all year. So every day this year, I'm going to become better at at least one thing. If I succeed in this endeavor, I should be one hell of a person by the end of 2014. Time will tell I suppose. The only other real goals I have for this year are pretty ambitious. I want to get a perfect score in one section of my ACT and I want to be a weight lifting state champion in the state of Florida. That would put me in the top 1% of my peers in academics and athletics. I would truly take pride in fulfilling either, but both would make this year incredible. 2014 is a new year, a clean slate. This is a chance to do something special with my life. I've been talking big for a while, and now it's time to back it up. 

     I really don't like when people talk big about everything they are going to differently this year and end up never delivering. It just makes you look like an asshole when you proclaim all of the amazing things you are going to, then you don't follow through with any of them. You can't build a name on something you plan to do. So please, don't be that type of person this year. Either do what you said you were going to do, or keep your mouth shut.

     I've got something to prove to myself in 2014. I will not settle for anything but my very best this year. Everyone always says that this year will be different, but few are serious about it. I look forward to the ball drop in 364 days where I will be able to say I accomplished everything I said I would in 2014. So here's to whatever it takes. 

     I'd love to hear from anyone who read this far. Feel free to contact me with any questions and/or feedback of any kind. I'm easy to reach.

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ASIAN_SENSATl0N
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/donovan.j.wilson
Google+: https://plus.google.com/116087394188670319020/posts
Email: dwilsonwest@gmail.com

Dreams & Aspirations (Entry 2)

     Dreams & aspirations are amazing and terrifying to think about. When you imagine yourself accomplishing something you've always dreamed of, is it anything like your life now? I have a hard time believing that my life won't be completely different if I achieve any of my goals. I'm not sure how I feel about living a different life. The change that would come from something like becoming famous is so drastic and profound. It could be be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me or the worst hell I could ever imagine. The scary part to me is knowing that regardless of the outcome, I won't be able to exactly undo any of it. There's no way to just become not famous. Everything you do from that point on, good and bad, will be scrutinized and picked apart by anyone and everyone. Everything in your life becomes amplified. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that type of thing. Everyone says they want the fame and fortune, until they get it.

     

     Even though I'm scared of what the outcome might be, I'm not going to let fear keep me from my dreams. I'd much rather endure a living hell and know that I was capable of accomplishing my wildest dreams than to live with regret and constant "what if". That might sound silly to some people, but my potential is everything to me. Nothing in this world could make me happier than knowing I fulfilled my potential. I would be completely content with being horrible at everything at life, as long as I knew I gave it everything I had. Being the very best at anything in this world means nothing to me if I knew I could be better. It might seem like I compete with people from time to time, but I'm really only in competition with myself. I don't care how selfish I sound when I say I am the only thing that matters to me. I just feel like if you aren't trying to be the absolute perfect version of yourself possible, then what are you living for? A mediocre life seems pointless to me. I truly believe that happiness comes from within. You can't externally accomplish anything in life until you accomplish it internally. You can't love anyone until you love yourself. You can't run a marathon until you have the confidence to believe you can. You can't win a fight until that is the only option you give yourself. Everything in life stems from within. You cannot proceed in life with any degree of self doubt. Don't let your mind supersede your heart. My heart and desires will forever be the governing factors in life. 

     So that's all I have time for today. I'm finding that when I try to write anything extensive like a blog, I often wonder off with my thoughts and I end up just sitting there thinking without writing any of it down. But it doesn't feel like a waste of time to me, so that's all that really matters. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading the second installment of Judge Me Journal as much as I enjoyed writing it. 

     I'd love to hear from anyone who read this far. Feel free to contact me with any questions and/or feedback of any kind. I'm easy to reach.

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ASIAN_SENSATl0N
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/donovan.j.wilson
Google+: https://plus.google.com/116087394188670319020/posts
Email: dwilsonwest@gmail.com

The Beginning of Something... (Overview)

     This is the beginning of something. I'm not sure if that something is good or bad, but time will tell. This entire blog is just going to be a journal of mine, but public to the world. I'm just going to write anything and everything I feel like. Ranting and venting to a blank word document. I'm not going to structure or restrict this blog in anyway. I just hope this will benefit at least one person out there, even if that one person is me.

     So I titled this "Judge Me Journal." I did this for a number a reasons.
The first is kind of a personal joke. I find it almost pathetic how reserved people are. I take pride in being completely transparent in everything. I say and do exactly as I see fit. I will always answer any question with complete honesty. I live my life how I see best fit while trying to not let my decisions be affected by the opinions of others.
     The second reason is I want people to understand that I'm doing this with the expectation of being judged and torn apart by nearly everyone that reads this. I'm not bothered by what people think. If someone wants to read my blog just to judge me, make fun of me, or make themselves feel better, then by all means indulge. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
     I'm not sure if there is a concrete third reason to elaborate on. It's a lot of little reasons thrown into one, so I'm not going to waste my time trying to write them down.

     I'm doing this for a various reasons.
     The first is reflection. When I have a lot of thoughts and feelings, I usually take to twitter. Yes, my thoughts for the most part get recorded, but they just get thrown into the archive with the other +30k tweets. I never get the chance to really look back on anything I wrote down. Plus, the 140 characters thing really limits what I can do with it. I can't really elaborate on anything when it comes to twitter. I feel like every tweet should be able to stand alone, subsequently, a series of tweets ranting about one thing isn't something I want to have on my profile. But I digress. This will allow me to fully elaborate and record each and every thought. Writing thoughts down, and especially reading them at a later time from a stranger's perspective, gives you a better understanding of them. You understand everything so much better when you aren't overwhelmed by your emotions or blinded by the heat of the moment.
     The second reason is connecting with others. I feel like this could be a great thing for someone I don't even know. Maybe it will help someone understand their situation better, and even guide them to the path for handling it. Or maybe this will make some one's day better because they can read about how my life is worse than theirs. Or maybe it will inspire someone. Or maybe it will just let someone know that they aren't the only one going through rough times. Or maybe it won't do anything. But it's worth a shot.
     The third reason is probably just to have an outlet. It's refreshing to vent. Just the act of writing down my thoughts makes me feel better. It helps me calm down and ground myself. Absolutely nothing good comes from acting while under the influence of emotions. This will help me keep a level head. If you don't find an outlet to express yourself on a regular basis, the bottled up thoughts and emotions will build up until something sets you off. When that happens, everything comes pouring out. I've had enough breakdowns. I'd like to keep the number of future breakdowns as low as possible. This isn't my only outlet. Working out, sleeping, and eating are all great outlets for me. Working out until you're too exhausted for feelings is a good way to deal with life. Sleeping and eating usually go together for me. I always feel better after I eat as much as I can and pass out for an extended period of time. When I wake up, I just feel refreshed. It's like I reset everything and I can start again with a blank canvas. Even though both of those outlets work great for me, I still need something for my thoughts. There's something about expressing my thoughts into words that I need. I can't really ever be finished with a thought or idea until I write it down or say it.

     I haven't decided if I'm going to add a summary section to every post or not. I feel like it would make for a better blog, but I'm not really trying to please anyone. I think this might just be my OCD kicking in. I'd hate to have an entire post end with a supporting detail. I like to have everything end with, well, an ending. Just something to wrap it all together so it doesn't feel incomplete and unfinished. So here it is. The first entry of the Judge Me Journal. I hope you enjoyed it.

I'd love to hear from anyone who read this far. Feel free to contact me with any questions and/or feedback of any kind. I'm easy to reach.
Twitter: https://twitter.com/ASIAN_SENSATl0N
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/donovan.j.wilson
Google+: https://plus.google.com/116087394188670319020/posts
Email: dwilsonwest@gmail.com